SardonicSmyle

2004-04-05T19:22:00.000-04:00

Dropped by randomly to view the past.
Funny how just looking at the page loading up brings back all these memories.

And...sadness.
I cannot seem to recover my Haloscan comments. I wonder if I messed up something the last time I fooled around with the blog template, or if Haloscan just died on me.

This was Emi, wasn't it? Emi sounded the same and yet so different.
The subject matter is similar, but the tone so altered...

2003-08-18T11:56:00.000-04:00

Comprehension dawns.

2003-08-17T09:48:00.000-04:00

What? Where is this publishing? I click on "view blog" and it shows me my b2log, not my blogger blog. My blogger is neither updating its template nor its posts. Ahem. Huh???

2003-08-17T09:45:00.000-04:00

So I threw caution to the winds and decided to change the template so I could start fooling around again.
I forgot that this would probably mess up my comments.
So I've got to find my Haloscan password and see what I can do about that...

2003-06-27T14:11:00.000-04:00

Blah...can't get my blogger 2 b2log ftp to work. grr. i wonder if my archives will republish correctly here...

2003-06-26T22:07:00.000-04:00

whoa. blogger got a new interface. meEp.

2003-05-09T09:29:00.000-04:00

Dudes: Emi's new b2log thinger

2003-04-13T12:22:00.000-04:00

Homepage going up! :)
Enjoy!

2003-04-10T10:54:00.000-04:00

I seem to be getting back into the rhythm of sleeping ungodly amounts and still feeling amazingly conscious. Yay! It's nice not to be sick.

Stayed up past 4am with Matt tooling 8.022 (hey, it was pretty good after our initial estimates that we wouldn't be able to sleep until 6am, judging by the speed with which we got through the first few problems). It's a good system to be able to work with someone who's approximately at your level; together you can catch the other person's mistakes and throw around ideas without worrying that you'll be ridiculed or anything. And you can take your time to understand stuff. Or...just make up gibberish ;) hehehe...
It was actually kind of fun...well, until maybe past 3am and the real exhaustion started to kick in and gammas started looking like deltas...meep!

But I feel amazingly awake, depite the fact that my average sleeping period for these two nights is approximately 4 hours.

Meep! Must go to classes...

2003-03-28T20:22:00.000-05:00

bahh...can't even type in a url correctly ;) sorry bout that. i think the link is working now.

2003-03-27T22:42:00.000-05:00

meep! to all.

the times they are a changin'...

Emi's going to take her new b2log out for a spin; will gradually move base of operations over here. Compliments of Yuandalin the Great :) Emi will fiddle and attempt to make b2log look more personalized in the near future :) <--now if this smilie were typed on my b2log, far more interesting things would happen...hehehe.

torn between wanting more time on break to sleep and rest and catchup
and feeling of missing MIT people and general MIT atmosphere.

meep?

2003-03-22T11:44:00.000-05:00

still sick.

why do I let people's comments about how much easier it is for females to get into MIT get to me?
well, because it suggests that Emi's an idiot who only got in because of her gender.
fine. Maybe it's true.
I'll never really know.
I suppose it's like having a legacy. You never know if you got in because of random things or because you really deserved it.
And the insecurity it leaves is like a poison that eats away at you every time someone brings the subject up.

2003-03-17T16:27:00.000-05:00

deflated. so deflated. nothing seems to be going well these days.

why am i still sick?

it occurred to me today
around lunchtime
that for no good reason at all
i am intensely homesick.

and then in 18.03
i was sitting in lecture
fighting an intense desire to put my head down on the flimsy fold-down desk and fall into a deep sleep
when i realized that i wanted to go home after classes
the way i used to do in high school
and sit in my kitchen and make myself a snack
while looking up at the green digital clock
while the sun filtered through the trees in my backyard.

and it scared me
it REALLY scared me
that i almost missed high school
the predictability of my days
weekends at home spent skating in various ice rinks.
i miss weekends at home.

it occurs to me
that i have not been home for a long time.
and there's no reason for that
since home is so close.

if spring break weren't so close
i would go home this week.

2003-03-14T21:14:00.000-05:00

I guess things are slowly returning to normal.
I feel darker and more cynical after all of it. Things seem bleak and colorless. My enthusiasm for life is running a bit low.
But maybe that's just the sickness and exhaustion inside of me talking.
I hope so.
The cough syrup isn't working anymore. Having issues breathing. If I'm getting pneumonia...HONESTLY, that would be the last straw.
Would someone please teach me 18.03? What happened since I fell off the face of the earth?

2003-03-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

for every new bond a fraternity makes
another pre-existing friendship it breaks.

that's how i feel right now, anyways.

2003-03-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

it aches to have this happen to us.

i'm watching the snow and remembering how we all went outside on the roof of baker when the first snow fell.
...danielle and marissa writing "Legolas" in the snow...
frisbee on the roof of baker. frisbee falling off the roof of baker. frisbee landing in the snow, six storeys below. bringing frisbee back up to roof. trying to throw frisbee into the icy river. failing to throw frisbee into the icy river. frisbee landing in the middle of busy street. retrieving frisbee (intact!) the next day and bringing it back to baker 246 for another day's fun.

what are we going to do?

2003-03-12T01:54:00.000-05:00

unable to sleep once again.
noise in room.
disquieting conversations being overheard.
sad trains of thought.
overwhelmed.

baker 246 is breaking up.
Matthew got a bid from AEPi.
(so that means...no freshmen guys on the first floor are staying. they're all going to frats. I can only think of two freshmen guys, actually, who aren't pledging...as far as i know.)
AXE thing drawing a wedge through our room. Damn fraternity and its damn bidding policies. very bitter. i am the uninvolved yet emotionally involved bystander. we've never had anything so serious between us roommates until this stupid frat came along.
we can't keep the quad, anyways.
baker policies are foolish. baker admin is a bumbling bunch of fools.
Let's transfer to EC, Marissa.
Danielle is mad at us for not visiting enough. She's sick of visiting baker 246 and coming over to West Campus to see us. we need to visit her tomorrow. or soon.

I need to sleep.
I desperately need to get well enough so I can go to classes tomorrow.
Why can't I sleep?
headachy.

On the bright side...
because there's always a bright side
thank you Dexter, Kevin, and Dave for visiting tonight :) twas sweet of you all. sorry i was half-asleep...
thanks for all the visits this week...it's great to talk to you all and know people care.
i'm terrified you're all going to get my illness, however. i know you've been lucky so far... ;)

2003-03-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

sick sick sick.
I tried to sleep until tomorrow, but was awakened by a coughing fit. I can feel my face radiating feverish heat. ack ack ack.
begone, oh fever, ye dreary beast. begone. i've no time for the likes of ye.

2003-03-10T22:35:00.000-05:00

From a quiz I found on Anne-Marie's blog: (fun quiz! musical quiz! whee!)

Claude Debussy -- Your music is soft and dreamy, a
watercolor wash of beautiful chords and gentle
runs. Rarely angry-sounding or definite in
structure, your compositions are meant to
emphasize the beauty of tonal color in music,
and not necessarily form. You have often been
compared to the impressionist painters of your
time, such as Monet and Degas. Your Arabesques
for solo piano are well-known.

Which of these classical composers is most your style?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-10T19:31:00.000-05:00

Idly I wander to blogger.
Why am I typing? Now, when I should be doing a problem set?
Last night it occured to me that it has been a very long time since I last wrote any sort of organized, analytical paper. I always enjoyed writing, achieving a smooth flow, a liquid train of thought running logically to a final conclusion that brings it all full circle.
But now? My mode of thinking is drastically different, is it not? Problem sets are the order of the day. What little humanities skills i had, beat into me by the high school system, but worthwhile arts nonetheless, are slipping away from me with each passing day that I spend here. The past Emi who would sit for hours just composing stories because she loved it...where is she? Am I trying to artificially recreate her now? Or is this just one of the cases where i’m forcing myself to pay attention to the things I've always loved but have neglected? Am I trying to rekindle some lost interest, some lost part of me?
I don’t know. But I think...I think it would be worth it. I don’t think I should lose that. It's easy to forget about it here and gripe and complain when I have one of my infrequent writing assignments.
Painting...and drawing...I have neglected these arts as well. My paints sit dusty and grimy on my bookshelf. Who knows where I last chucked my watercolor paper as I was cleaning out the ashes of yesterday?
Today was the first time in over a week that I played my violin.
I live, breathe, and eat my science and math. And it only bothers me vaguely when I remember what else i used to be.

2003-03-06T21:44:00.000-05:00

this week is deflating me.

i feel strange. listening to Gattaca music, i feel something...tearing at me. for some reason I am swept up and i feel like crying...for...joy or sadness or tiredness or...something else. I do not know. There are mysteries locked up in my mind and in my music.

2003-03-04T18:52:00.000-05:00

Aww...yay for friends who bring cough syrup and cabbage dragons (meep!) i feel cheered and loved. And yay for zephyrs and the fact that the med center has athena stations (not even quickstations! haha!). It's great how you can log in anywhere on MIT campus (and its outskirts) and people know instantly where you are (assuming they're logged in already...which is a rather safe assumption here ;) ).

* * * *

i have been surrounding myself with gentle waves of Gattaca and Legend of Zelda music...lovely Labtec speakers...lovely music.

If I had to choose between losing sight and losing hearing, I think I would rather lose my sight. We were talking about this one night in baker 246...and I think that, even though it would be sad to be unable to see sunsets and colors and lights, I would hate it even more if I had to live in a world of silence, a world where I was cut off from music, unable to hear the inflections in peoples voices, the music of different languages--goodness, not to be able to hear languages. If I were blind, I could still play the violin...and I would still be able to communicate to people. I could learn braille and still be able to read books and learn that way. And everytime i think about this, I remember a quote of Helen Keller's, about how blindness cuts you off from things while deafness cuts you off from people. In a way, it's true; it takes a lot more effort for deaf people to learn how to communicate with people, whereas if you're blind you'll be detached more so from material things.

* * * *

Dude! I think the cough syrup is kicking in :) yay! Emi sort of has a voice now...

2003-03-02T12:29:00.000-05:00

it's no fun to wake up and have issues trying to swallow. cottony pain... ::hack hack:: I hope it wasn't i who got you sick, dave held :( apologies! the logs were fun last night, tho, yes?
time to pop another cough drop :P numb my throat for a bit.
and tool away on chinese and 8.022. meep.
NI! to being too tired to go to IHOP at EC...

2003-03-02T12:09:00.000-05:00

you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You're
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse fates.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Dude...should I be worried? ;) A little psycho-ness never hurt anybody...eh?

2003-02-28T18:43:00.000-05:00

Thinking back on first semester and IAP, it seems that my surroundings have acquired a very different feel--almost as if I have gone to three separate locations, switching after each segment of time spent here at MIT. It's hard to quantify this feeling...it's just very different now than it was during IAP (well, naturally) and even than it was during first semester. My routine has completely changed; I don't take the same paths around campus, I don't frequent the same people's rooms, I just don't see the same landmarks and the same people anymore. Interesting. A little wistful it makes me. But I was never very good at falling into a routine. Could never maintain a pattern of living for more than a week or so during high school, and those were loose patterns, at that. Don't know why...it's not a conscious decision to throw unpredictability into my life, it just sort of happens. Maybe because i'm still young and changing; I'm sure adults find comfort and structure in following a daily routine. I can't. I think it would drive me crazy. I mean, even little things--ie, I'm glad my psets aren't always due on the same days of the week this semester. First semester, i remember hating wednesday nights because our 18.02 psets were always due on thursday...like clockwork, we'd get all crazy and stressed out on wednesdays. Or were they due on Fridays? Meh, I don't remember, but something like that.
So maybe I do change things consciously, since routine peeves me. I'm not that into organization, I guess. Hmm. Odd.
But I guess I could have seen the change coming. IAP was a transition period, a time of meeting new people and trying new things in a low-stress environment. It was a second orientation, but better because you knew your way around campus.
so I wonder...will my environment change drastically again next year? Right now I feel much more balanced and at ease than I felt first semester, and I don't want that to change. So will I welcome alterations or despise them?

2003-02-28T04:43:00.000-05:00

I'm going to collapse.
What a weird day.
Weird internal workings.
But thank you MIT people who are willing to help at all hours. My 8.282J pset is completed at last.

I send my thanks also to friends who stay up late and keep one company online.
I only hope that I am of some assistance as well. I worry even if my worry is not acknowledged or welcomed. That's what friends do. People are connected like so...and this worry won't distract me from work, i assure you. That's a different type of worry.
I hope and wait.
But I will not stay inactive if this persists for too long.

2003-02-25T22:47:00.000-05:00

weary
but in need of tooling.

I wish Alexey would be our soloist for Brahms...the mere memory of his impromptu playing still makes my breath catch in my throat...I remember how transcendent it was to be part of the orchestra playing with him...how his emotion came across so clearly through his phrasing, his gestures...
I wish I could hear him play again.

Em, you're so lucky to have him as your teacher :) I wish he was my teacher...even if his accent is hard to understand...dude, his technique is awesome.

"The derivative of sin(ln(x))??? That would be like...Chain Rule on crack!"
~Marissa

2003-02-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

I seem to have found a new obsession...
Dart guns! Assassin's Guild! What jolly fun :)
Horribly addictive, I might add.
Vive la Revolution on Friday night...I didn't realize SIK games involved so much running about at first and made a fool of myself by tripping down a flight of stairs (no worries--the only thing hurt was my dignity ;) ). After that, the dashing about was a welcome exercise and reminded me of playing tag...ah, childhood games. I felt kind of like a useless fourth noble, seeing as I was utterly confuzzled as to my whereabouts half the time and which riddle trail we were following. Also somewhat intimidated by the zeal of my team mates, but after playing for a bit...well...I can now understand why. ;) Also didn't shoot very much, nor did I use my "Master Fencer" skill--a pity, that.
Luckily, Assassin's Guild runs a weekly "dash about 36-1 shooting people with dart guns" affair. Also known as Patrol.
After playing Patrol last night, I feel as though I know the first floor of bldg 36 so much better now...
...every nook and cranny where it is good to seek cover...where one can easily get cornered...where one is overly exposed...
Stealth is good! Ambush!
Charging is bad...if you have bad aim, that is ;)
If I ever have a class on 36-1, I'll prolly get adrenaline rushes just by seeing the lobby...or the stairwells...or the hallway.

I think I'll play Vive la Revolution again tonight. This time I'll be a peasant and hunt down the nobles...it'll be like patrol again, except I can go on a "drunken rampage" if I "guzzle wine."

Well...I'll play again if I get enough 8.022 done...meep!

2003-02-13T04:19:00.000-05:00

:)
hah...i feel so awake. bad emi...emi should sleep NOW!
meep!

2003-02-11T02:23:00.000-05:00

I miss my old Reach for the Stars astronomy textbook...it would be so helpful about now! ack! Why was it lent out to someone without my consent??? :(

2003-02-11T02:09:00.000-05:00

Listening to Leyan's recorded playing of Tchaikovsky's violin concerto in D major, first mvt...must have listened to it at least a dozen times tonight. Man, I love Tchaikovsky...even without the orch backing up the soloist, it's gorgeous (kudos to the violinist who can make it sound so gorgeous :) so much emotion in the music...).

I've got such a music-oriented memory...

I like that. Songs capture the feeling of a moment within them, whether or not they are meant to do so, but subtly and surprisingly so. Intact inside the nuance of melody and expression lie the wisps of yesterday. I am so sensitive to the environment in which I am first introduced to music. Forever does it carry a brand of its origins in my life.

2003-02-10T03:45:00.000-05:00

should i sleep now or go practice violin for an hour? hmmm....tough choice. i have to be up for a 9am class. this could get tricky if i practiced and didn't sleep for another hour. but i have a lesson on wednesday! eek!

sometimes it seems like the whole world is thinking about relationships...

i think i'll go play violin for a while :) ahehehe...emi kooky! whee! adrenaline rush! meep!

2003-02-08T19:17:00.000-05:00

First week of classes over. Methinks i will be much happier with the subject matter I've got this semester--I thank the stars especially for my Intro to Astronomy class and my Chinese class :)
Ahhh...Chinese class...it's so lovely to be able to have an hour where one gets to switch into Chinese mode...a consistent chance to learn how to read and write words (and hopefully retain such knowledge...). I constantly feel my Chinese culture reprimanding me for being so American and letting go of my language...perhaps college will give me the chance to find that part of me again. It will take a long time...I have years and years to catch up on. Those weekends of Chinese school really weren't sufficient. But...they were better than nothing, and at least they've given me an (extremely feeble) foundation, right? ;)

Now. If only I didn't get so annoyed with learning jiantizi :P I think it's just all the griping my parents used to do about the Cultural Revolution and the Communists shattering history and tradition to pieces...really, though, I've got to just accept the fact that people use both jiantizi and fantizi and that it's not use meeping about it...might as well learn both of 'em, the better to get along in this modern world. Besides, it's kind of fun seeing what sort of corners they decided to cut :)

Ah, and tonight...I journey off to the BSO and a Hilary Hahn concert! Whee-ness!

2003-02-03T10:37:00.000-05:00

My DDR Theme Song...

Have You Ever Been Mellow? Dreamy, artistic and imaginitive! You find youself constantly wanting to create. You're good with your hands and have a way with the written word. Your ideal partner would know how to appreciate both you and your art.

2003-02-02T02:47:00.000-05:00

A therapeutic conversation with Hongyi while i was busy being an insomniac. thankyouthankyouthankyou! :) I feel wearily but comfortably talked (erm...typed) out and the bed is looking really comfy...

I quoted this in my aim profile, too, but I quote it again because it rings so true to me...

EnderSpeakerXeno: I believe that it was the Greeks that had seven different types of love
EnderSpeakerXeno: and it was the love that comes from friendship that was considered to be the strongest and most important
EnderSpeakerXeno: and while they were wrong about lots of things, they did pretty well with philosophy :)

2003-01-31T19:41:00.000-05:00

I feel a strange sort of exhaustion...an odd pall that has hung over me these past few days. I suppose the most logical thing would be to attribute it to my early waking-up last week when I tried to skate oh-so-often in the mornings and did not succeed ;)
I hope it's not due to my experimental vegetarianism. Mayhaps I'm just not eating balanced enough...I don't see why the lack of meat in one's diet should make one weak. Maybe I should still eat fish? Meh.

Charm school was more fun than I thought it'd be...my initial impressions of a stuffy Catholic school type environment dematerialized once I arrived at the student center...I spent most of the day learning various ballroom dances. Whee! It was quite fun...I've been inspired to join the competitive team, but rationale says that my schedule would not allow such a feat. Eh...I'll prolly just appease my newfound dancing bug by going to weekend workshops. There's just so much to do here at college...

Although I feel like quite a slacker in terms of my course load...I'm only taking on four classes, plus MITSO for credit, bringing me to a mere 51 units, where many of my friends are going on sophomore standing and are up in the 60s for their units. I could always take 8.033 (Relativity)...or 6.001 (intro to computer programming sort of class)...or a language...and it's even been recommended that I take 18.06 (Linear Algebra). But adding another class would put me over the credit limit; therefore I would have to go on sophomore standing, and if I did that now, I would still be stuck with my current advisor, so the advantage of getting an advisor in my major would be rather negated. Meep. And I want to leave room for me to get a UROP...a detication of, optimally, 10 hours a week. meep? And it would be nice if I were able to skate more this semester, too...seeing as my skates laid idle all through first semester. We'll see...

2003-01-30T19:20:00.000-05:00

Yay for cheap clothes!
Went to the Garment District today with the Dexters (ran into Alice buying textbooks on the way there and she asked me if I wanted to become a Dexter myself...hehehe...) and I obtained one flannel PJ shirt for 90 cents. Hurrah!

Scooters are fun...I say that the 2nd East hall in baker should have one for transport of persons to and fro :) I also think that my room should adopt a furry fish...

2003-01-27T08:35:00.000-05:00

So I arrive at the Z-center only a little bit after 8 o'clock, and the first thing I see is a completely empty ice rink.
My first instinct is that of a skater's.
"Yes! I have the ice all to myself! Hah! Beat the crowd! Not another skater to be seen!"
Then common sense inevitably kicks in:
"Wait...wait...there isn't...ANYONE around...not even the head of the skate club...and the fliers aren't out...and...oh, curses. The door to the ice is closed. CURSES. Not again!..."
The lady at the athletic desk tells me the only ice time scheduled for today is from 12-12:55pm. No help, seeing as I've a violin lesson that ends right at 12pm.
Meep.
Why does it seem as if every time I manage to get up early, there happens to be no skate session on that day?? Meep!

So now I'm full of adrenaline from waking up too early and jumpy energy from the anticipation of being able to skate.
Maybe I should change and explore the Z-center for a while. I've never really used those high-tech-looking machines.
Meh. Then again, I could go and play the violin for a while, too...

* * * *

I haven't listened to Rent in a good long time. I'd almost forgotten how much I like the music, how it unearths something wild and strong inside of me. It makes me feel young, blazing, brief but glorious. Technicolor brilliance contained in a frail existence. So full of life it is!
It speaks to me from the past. From another stage in my life, when I put so much faith in its message, when I was so eager to follow it's mantra of "No day but today" as best as I could.
Did I get jaded? Or did I just become a more realistic thinker?
Adulthood cannot be equated with maturity.
Why seek out adulthood, then?
Subjectivity.
Of course it's subjective. Changing with the time and whatever society decides defines as adulthood and usefulness.
What makes up society?
We rail against it, but we too are "society"--this mass of faceless inexorable rushing forward through time
trampling unconformity
in its--in our--bumbling wake of caprice.
It gets harder and harder to turn against the tide.
I question myself sometimes. Sometimes conformity makes altogether too much sense to me.
Curse it all.
I'm becoming an adult.

2003-01-27T02:51:00.000-05:00

These IAP days and evenings are a balm that ease my mind...I'd like to hold onto the feeling...
Snow.
Unadultered joy from the sky!
Wish I had the energy to frolic properly, though.
Skating on general skate.
Just gliding along and talking with people...learning about the social part of skating :)

But so tired.
And I want to get up to skate tomorrow?!? At 8am???
I'm really crazy.
But I'm having such a ball with IAP...
It's so worth it :)
All the activities.
Everything.

Ok, Emi. Go sleep now.

2003-01-23T19:13:00.000-05:00

An issue that is stupid can nonetheless be the deciding factor that brings all other issues to a head if the sheer stupidity of the issue makes its mere existence revolting.
I rest my case.
Ickiness!
But too true.
Therefore, it is all for the best.
Emi is done with her logic for today :)

Baker 246 is (gasp) taking a saferide to a (GASP) fraternity tonight. WHOA! Didn't we say we weren't ever going to do this again? ;)
(But it's not raining...so it's ok ;) and we're visiting fellow Baker 246 members, so we're kosher.)

2003-01-22T01:23:00.000-05:00

East Campus people make me happy :)
Baker 246 people make me happy :D
Can I transplant the two groups and combine them into an uber-awesome independent living group?
The East Bakerites...heh.
I thought not. But it sounds like such a good idea in theory ;)
sighhhh....but in a very good way.

I went IAP-activity-hopping today.
In the morning, I awoke to the bustle of an inhabited Baker 246. Our members have been expanded to include two AEPi members, David and Solomon, and another Wellesley folk, Arielle. Yayness! (I pray I am spelling your names correctly...do yell at me if I am not.) But anyways, I woke up to a sunny room, sang a rendition of "Come What May" with those who were present (the origin of Danielle's quote hehehe) and quickly ran off to an HTML Athena minicourse. I went straight from that to a two-hour long Go seminar/playing session, which left my head spinning with little grids and blobby black and white dots. meep! It was a lot of fun, but I guess I concentrated so hard that I forgot about lunch--lunchtime got bumped to 4pm.

After my delayed lunch, I wandered off to more IAP classes and to visit Tetazoo and Slugfest, taking a brisk trot across campus--the commute really isn't that bad, and it gives one time for thinking and reflecting and all that sort of thing. I like being able to just walk along the Infinite...just daydreaming...

I'm getting better at knifing the doors in EC :) ahehehe...there is some wonderful satisfaction in being able to pry locked doors open.

I played DDR today! Yay! Dexter, Emily Levesque, Dave, and I bounced around with the setting on "Light," then later looked in awe upon someone dancing to a crazy uber-fast piece on either Standard or Heavy. It made us want to cry at our DDR inferiority ;)

Then I went back to EC with folks and basically just hung out there...playing ping pong...talking to peoples...making liberal use of the athena clusters in the lounge....

Never knew I could feel like this,
like I've never seen the sky before.
Want to vanish inside your kiss--
everyday I love you more and more.
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing
come back to me, and forgive everything.
Seasons may change, winter to spring,
but I'll love you
until the end of time.

~Moulin Rouge, "Come What May" (end version)

2003-01-21T11:13:00.000-05:00

WAIT! WAIT! Large and important modification on Emi's opinion concerning humankind...

A spontaneous outburst by Marissa and Emily reminds me that there is rarely only one side to an issue, and that it would be wrong to write off everything good for what is upsetting...

Thank you ever so much, dear quad members who play cranium and taboo, make me laugh 'til I can hardly breathe, show me awesomely awesome movies (ie Harrison Bergueron) then are willing to discuss them with me, give lovely advice, go hacking, sing spontaneously, deticate your souls to Mystery Hunt, discuss Star Wars and LOTR late into the night/early in the morning...oh, the list of awesomeness goes on and on.

And infinite thanks to ye folks of Tetazoo and Slugfest whom I've been getting to know; some of you I've only just met and already you're so friendly, supportive, and dear to me. I love your spirit, your infatiguable energy, and marvel at your crazy exuberance...scheming for and explaining Assassin's Guild, discussing anime, music, room decorating, Orson Scott Card (wheee!)...everything!. Thank you muchly for introducing me to EC culture and making me feel so...at ease. So naturally Emi.

I exempt ye folks from my frustration with humankind. :) You are my bulwark against it all. You give me faith.
Thank thee kindly, all of ye.

Okay, okay, so I was wrong. People aren't so bad, after all. :)

"Wouldn't you like to be a guy waking up in a room full of girls singing the Love Song Medley?" ~Danielle

2003-01-21T10:50:00.000-05:00

A bit tired of people and myself at at the moment.

Silly Emi. What use is this frustration?
I scrap you one...I scrap you two...I scrap you three. ;)

2003-01-17T22:43:00.000-05:00

can i just say it and admit it?
i feel awful.

mystery hunt ought to distract me, yes?
it is fun...

2003-01-17T10:44:00.000-05:00

hah.
you think you're doing fine
but then you're not really.
what a funny concept.
well.
so long as it's internal and no one else sees tangible evidence
of you acting otherwise
then it doesn't really matter
and they can't call you up on it
right?

oh, denial is my friend :)
join me, my friends, in praising it's utilitarian and versatile nature.

thank you, orson scott card
for giving me Songmaster and Control.

i am Ansset
i am a lake
i grow deeper every day
i have no low place
so my waters are contained
but
what if i drown?

you are a fool, emi.

on a sidenote
emsque, where is your livejournal?

2003-01-16T03:20:00.000-05:00

meep.
it kinda aches inside.

2003-01-15T03:47:00.000-05:00

i hate it when people leave you with thoughts that leave you sleepless.
can't sleep.
leyan, my life is being analogous to yours. loosely analogous, but similar all the same. how interesting.

2003-01-11T09:02:00.000-05:00

Whew.
To all of you who commented on the previous comment...yay-ness!
Much better now. Doubt has been minimalized and shoved neatly into back drawer of mind, where I hope it will sit and get dusty and musty and be forgotten with the other doubts that have shifted away from my center of attention.
But you must admit...as I grow older, this sort of thought process grows more and more difficult to ignore as my peers constantly treat it.
Nevertheless, I think I've had my full of chewing on it so relentlessly.
Ack. More later. Time to go figure skating :)

2003-01-09T22:52:00.000-05:00

Been rereading Songmaster, by Orson Scott Card...

" 'I refuse to be manipulated.'
'Then...you refuse to live.'
'Are you threatening me?'
Nniv smiled. 'Oh, no, Mikal. I merely observe that all living things are manipulated. As long as there is a will, it is bent and twisted constantly. Only the dead are allowed the luxury of freedom, and then only because they want nothing, and therefore can't be thwarted.' "

and, of course, my favorite quotation from Songmaster:

" 'You do not cry...when you cry you waste your songs. You burn up your songs. You drown your songs....You are a little pot full of songs. And when you cry, the pot breaks and all the songs spill out ugly. Control means keeping the songs in the pot, and letting them out one at a time.' "~Cull to Ansset

(somewhat edited to be neater looking)

* * * *

I'm desperate for someone to say something, ANYTHING that will get me off this train of thought. I mean, don't lie about what you believe; say something for either side or something that might help me regain some continuity and semblence of sanity or might help me deal with my conundrum. And laugh at it if you think that might help make it seem trivial and non-important-at-the-moment.

Some worrisome thoughts about the future plaguing my mind. I think I am too receptive to other people's thoughts. I should stop. Their statements have infinite power to make me think and worry about things. Their opinions can cause me to doubt myself. Badness, sez I. I know (or rather, I hope fervently) that this worry, like so many others, will not last for long, but while it exists, it grips me in its intangible claws and weighs down my mind with tangled mazes of thought and extrapolation, which I am not happy to wrestle with. It is an exhausting affair, this business of worrying.

An iffy subject that makes me edgy: marriage. Right, so some people were discussing this particular subject last night when I dropped in to Baker (had a Yoga class that made it necessary to go back to MIT for the night) and their opinions were rather different from my own, yet caused me to question myself. They, of course , have their parents' wishes and constant suggestions from childhood to deal with, but still...
They were saying how they felt like time was ticking, that they NEEDED to find husbands during these four years of school, that they would never have a better opportunity to see people in such an easy-to-get-to-know-their-character state. And...I was shocked to find...I see their point. I actually UNDERSTAND where they're coming from. And...I wonder if my way of thinking is flawed.
Because I know what they're saying is against my beliefs. Every fiber of my being screams against this sort of conservative, typically Asian thinking. I've always liked to believe that time is never ticking, that nothing is ever set, and that, heck, how do you know that marriage is what you want? We're so YOUNG! We're STUDENTS! Aren't our concerns supposed to be what we want to major in and what classes we want to take and how we're going to keep our grades decently decent and maybe what sort of job we want when we're older? isn't marriage years and years down the road??
Yet their talk unsettles me. Because I can definitely see their point of how it IS a good place to meet people and get to know them well. it's a CTYish environment, to put it simply. And once you're out...people will judge you on how good your job is, how much money you make, your social status in life, maybe your house or something...and everything becomes less pure and idealistic. and you're not living close to the person, able to observe how they behave around their friends, able to observe their habits. You won't have to same kind of time, the same kind of freedom, the same kind of independence. You'll be older and jaded, as they will be.
A scary thing they said, which, even more scarily, does have truth to it: In the college setting, you know a lot of people have been..."weeded" out (ICK on the concept of weeding out people STRONG sense of revulsion MUCK-ness) and you know that there's less room for..."error."
But that's such a bad reason to jump to get married! No no no! How can I subscribe to such a view!
So if it's such a bad reason, why are you so unsettled, Emi? Why ARE you so worried?
is the policy of, I'll just decide when it seems right, a bad policy? Should I start seriously thinking about where I want my life to go?
But marriage is a death sentence for a woman's career and dreams. Unless neither partner wishes to have kids. Unless the woman wants to be a tame housewife (strong sense of disgust accompanying the thought).
But being alone is such a lonely prospect.
But having a crappy marriage is an even worse prospect.
Well, there's always divorce.
That's icky.
Well, sometimes you ought to take risks. You never know when the gains outweigh the risks.
So tell me then, which risk is better to take?

Anger.
Sudden, intense, irrational desire to move out of Baker to escape stereotypical thought patterns.
More justified anger at fact that this desire will soon be superseded by other concerns that will swing the housing opinion back the other way.
Exasperation that housing opinion is akin to crazy, exceptionally NOT simple harmonic motion.
Tired.
Tired of thinking.
Tired of being Emi.
Strong desire to fold origami until the world goes away.

Augh. I was so proud of myself for managing to follow Leyan's advice of being more optimistic, of believing that most people have the best of intentions. 'twas such a freeing thing from my previous worries! But, in true Emi fashion, I have managed to gain a new, almost completely unrelated, worry. Thanks, Emi, you're wonderful. What will it be next?

I don't understand why I'm so worked up.

I want to go back to being an oblivious student struggling to survive under an MIT courseload. I want my biggest concerns to be an 18.03 pset, an 8.022 exam, or a HASS paper. The only time-related concerns i want are missing the PE lottery deadline and filling out applications for pre-UROPs or UROPs. I want my freetime to consist of being spontaneous and random and climbing trees and getting frisbees caught in trees (retrieving them eventually, of course). I want to have long conversations in ludicrous fake British/Scottish/Irish accents about realities where people go around with their own theme songs and emotions playing in music form all the time, mixing in a great cacaphony of sound (think about it--isn't it a nifty idea?). I want to believe in making myself happy day-by-day, enjoying life for what it is in the present, enjoying people's company for what it is in the NOW. Stars, I want to be an idealist like a true Baker 246er again.

Somebody say SOMETHING. Advice grandly and desperately needed. Or rather, words from a calmer and more resolute mind. Again, referring back to my initial introductory paragraph, please say what you believe, even if it's contradictory. I need to get out of this inertial Emi thought-loop thingie. Outside forces needed to disrupt staticness.

2003-01-05T21:38:00.000-05:00

Oh DEAR...I seem to have found a new game to become obsessed with...WORDRACER. Ack! Anne-Marie...I feel your pain ;) Except that I'm not very good at it yet...still, I knew I had a problem the moment I looked at the keypad on my phone and envisioned little connecting lines between the numbers like on Wordracer, and thought about how I should be connecting numbers...yea. That was pretty bad.

2003-01-03T18:11:00.000-05:00

Memory is a funny thing.
Grieg's Sonata for Violin and Piano will always be associated with a sleepy evening at Dave's mom's house, spent playing Final Fantasy on the piano...the warmth all around. And Leyan's computer room, with the blue drapes that were pulled askew over the windowpane to block out the sun...I play the few bars that I know, and I am transported elsewhere...
It's snowing outside. I'd like to go sledding. Or just plain tromping around in the whirling white. I know--I'll go and shovel the driveway--that's always a good excuse to go outside and frolic, neh? :) The trick is to make work play...then everything in life is fun.
I had a quiet day. The first day since I got home that I didn't go out with friends, I think. It reminds me of when I was younger, and i could amuse myself with my own company for hours and hours on end, making up stories, reading novels, doing origami...playing with my computer and experimenting with new software (I had a long tussle with some digital photography software today...grrr...less fruitful than I would have liked...I'll fiddle with it more tomorrow). Had a nice long violin-playing/piano-playing session (Leyan, I want the rest of the Grieg :P it's annoying knowing just part of it...) Very peaceful indeed. Then I went ice skating in the afternoon, which was also fun.
Oh, and I need to find someone who has a guitar and is willing to teach me some chords :) Anybody?...

"Like Sherman McCoy--he lost everything and gained his soul. I gained everything and--well, there are compensations."
~Bonfire of the Vanities

2002-12-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

Home again, home again. At interesting thing it is. Silence all around. Waking up without quadmates. Running around the house aimlessly like a little kid, wondering if I still belong to this place. Wondering if I ever did belong to this place. Is a home ever yours until you're an adult? As a child growing up, doesn't the idea of home seem like such a transient thing? It's only your abode until you're grown enough for college, and after college...you wander out into the world and make your own way. The home is really your parents' home. Or mayhaps this only means that everything in life is a passing thing, a passing joy--nothing lasts forever. I remember a line in Bean Trees that said something to this effect, about one's kids not really belonging to oneself; they're just these people you live with for a while, but eventually they leave. Like all things in life, you just have to enjoy their company while they're around and not think about the long haul. Life is pretty darn transient in itself.

You know what I have stuck in my head? That music from Moulin Rouge that's called "After the Storm"...it's so bittersweet and beautiful.

I'm in a pensive mood.
I'd like to call someone, but I'm thinking it's too early for most teenage folk.
Ideally, I need friends who I can call at any hour to talk ;)
Wouldn't telepathic links be cool? Hehehehe...
I'm going to stop while I still make a semi-amount of sense...

2002-12-17T13:34:00.000-05:00

Everyone is ready to leave and tear away from this place as fast as their cars, trains, and planes can take them. The stress, the finals, the work...it's gotten to people and everyone is aching for familiarity, home and high school buddies. I'll be happy to be home as well, of course, and I've got a lot of catching up to do with my friends at other colleges, my friends who are still in high school, and my friends who are from camp or are connected with camp people.
But I'm going to miss this place.
I'm going to miss my quad.
I'm going to miss everyone downstairs.
But I feel like almost everyone else is just tired of this place and everyone around them--they just can't wait to get away from it all. I know they're justified in feeling fed up with things. I know they would just get annoyed if I pointed this out to them or if I explained how I was feeling about things ending.

Marissa and I were saying yesterday, it's hard to imagine ever not knowing all these people that we've met since we came to MIT (we were referring to our quad specifically ["quad" being a loose term; by quad we mean all the people who visit us and practically live here, not just the four people who were actually assigned to Baker 246]) since they've become such an integral part of our lives. ie when something upsets or hurts someone in our quad, the whole quad helps them through it. We know so much about each other since we see each other day in and day out, and we spend so many waking hours together. It's more of a family than anything, I think, and why shouldn't I miss it while I'm gone? Why shouldn't I be reluctant to leave? During IAP it'll be weird since we won't all be here together at the same time--the most we'll have is 75% habitation, since Irene is going to be in Bangledesh for the whole of IAP.

And aren't I entitled to feel a bit sad that my classes are ending, too, and that my schedule is going to change completely next semester? I liked most of my recitation teachers, and I obviously won't be having them again.

And, yeah, I should study for my Chem final, since Chem is so memorization based and I have a lot of catching up to do, but...sometimes you need to slow down for a minute and ponder. Because if you can't do that, then what's the point of living?

I think many people here would disagree. The side effect of coming to a place where everyone respects intelligence and is deticated to work is that people can tend to value their work over their friends. There are some people that I've barely spoken to this last week since they've been so singleheartedly at work studying for their finals. Yes, finals are important. But for heaven's sake, everyone's leaving--some right after their last final--so it'd be nice to talk to them before they do leave.

Balance. Moderation. Aye.

And I suppose this sort of thing doesn't matter to people who are tired of their current company.

2002-12-12T11:26:00.000-05:00

Eh, what is one supposed to do when friends go out partying and one doesn't WANT to go to those sorts of parties, yet wants to spend time with the friends?

You know you won't have fun at the party...yet you want to go for the company...

Life is full of choices.

Well. I've pretty much made it my policy to avoid frat parties...ever since that blacklight party that Baker 246 visited for a bit. That was no fun at all...waiting in the rain for over 20 minutes since the party was too crowded with BU kids...then entering into a smoke-filled alcohol-ridden nuthouse. Definitely not worth the wait. At least we got to visit Kenny that time...and we did get to admire the Dr. Seussian artwork of the pledges...but I'm sure we were the only ones who noticed, seeing as everyone else was too busy getting wasted. You know, it's funny how a party can transform a frat house--I've been to Kenny's frat on a normal day, and it's a rather nice place. On that day, it wasn't. But, like we said, if we ever needed a reminder of why we DON'T go to those things, we certainly got it that night.

And yet...I still can't help feeling a bit torn whenever people I know decide to go to frat parties...

I'm quite a child, aren't I? I enjoy it most of the time, but sometimes I want to rail against it, too. Well, that's nothing new, is it? I'm always inwardly conflicted in a contradicting manner. I say it with pride and a bit of bitterness...I be a walking oxymoron. Maybe it's just a product of indecisiveness. Is it because I define myself by my friends, and my friends follow a vast spectrum of social groups? Or is it the other way around...that my friends reflect who I am? Prolly the two concepts reinforce each other. That's the way most things are in life, aren't they? Art imitates life as life imitates art...and so on and so forth.

On another note...

Hurrah for Marissa who passed her 18.02 exam! :) Happiness! Thou shalt conquer thine classes!

2002-12-05T18:26:00.000-05:00

Pessimism is a funny thing. One wonders how much of it is justified...and can be called realism...and how much of it is plain fear of allowing oneself to enjoy things. I mean, what really is the best mindset to carry through life? Is it better to start off expecting things to go wrong and therefore living cautiously and reservedly? Or...when good things happen, is it better to hope that they'll last rather than face up to the reality that they likely won't? Because one is afraid to hope...because crushed hope is worse than having expectations of muckiness fulfilled. And yet...living without hope is such a sad fate. There isn't much point in doing anything if one subscribes strictly to the idea that all efforts are in vain and result in little that is permanent. Mayhaps...the point is that you know good things have to come to an end, but you're supposed to act as if they won't; a good way as any to define living in the moment. I suppose you just keep the pessimist/cynist/realist tucked away in a corner of your brain and call upon it when it's needed.

But still...I'm always afraid to be optimistic. Isn't it such a commitment?

2002-12-01T09:33:00.000-05:00

Congrats to Emily C. and Anne-Marie on my quiz! They did quite well, and, apparently, they know me better than the people I live with ;) And Leyan, evidently, knows me as well as I know myself :) such fun, these quizzes are...

It's been a nicely relaxing Thanksgiving break. I've gotten amazing amounts of sleep ;) and had generally low-key days. Oy, I went skating on Friday morning, and I STILL ache from it! Sheesh, you never notice these things while you're skating...it's not until the morning after, when you wake up and you think, wow, I didn't know you could ache THERE from skating...yeah. My legs felt all strange, my knees were sore, my back ached (from laybacks, I suppose) and even my shoulders and arms were stiff. Ridiculous. I need to sign up for the figure skating club when I get back so I can do real freestyle sessions again. Gotta get my double sal and double toe consistent again! Need to find a decent coach there, too.

I've also been able to see friends from around here, which is always good. Yesterday I hung out with Vanita (high school standpartner of three years and love-therapist extraordinaire) and we got Starbuck's coffee (whipped cream and mocha syrup! yay! it made up for my Starbuck's run on Friday, when the delinquent coffee-mixer people forgot whipped cream and then put on a measly dab when I asked) and also wandered around Burlington Mall for a bit. Dude, it's crowded there! And all those lovely holiday decorations were up...wheee! Today I'm going to see another friend for lunch, and then it'll be back to MIT, my other home. I get all mixed up when I talk about home HERE and home THERE...meh, they're all home to me, for different reasons :)

Last night, I also had an hour-plus-long conversation on the phone with Leyan...always good, especially because I feel like it's been a long time since we've been able to have a good talk. It's a wonderful feeling to know how some people will always be there for you...to support you and give you advice...to know you practically as well as you know yourself...to play set with you (hehehehe...sorry, just had to say that...). Friendship is the best thing humans ever came up with.

2002-11-26T17:49:00.000-05:00

Life is full of random coincidences. Especially here...they make life so spontaneous and fun!

If I hadn't waited until after all my classes were over to check the pre-UROP office, I wouldn't have ended up running into Peter on his way out of Lobby 7. If I hadn't run into Peter, I wouldn't have ended up eating dinner at the Student Center and having a conversation with him, Toby, and Alex. It was a good afternoon, as I always enjoy talking to Senior Haus folk, and I don't usually get to see them unless I wander over to the east side of campus (the furthest west most of them will go is the Student Center, and some of them don't even get that far).

Janet is right. I think it would feel wrong if I just settled into one group completely. I would probably lose large parts of myself in the quest to belong somewhere. Because every time I jump between groups, I realize that each one helps me hold on to my personality in a different way...and all of the friendships matter to me, so it's not as if I could choose one place to belong. If my week happens to fall in a way that keeps me away from one group for a while, I value the company of the other groups all the more when I'm able to seek those people out. I suppose I'm just made up of bits and pieces, and none of those eclectic components are about to wink out of existence because it's more convenient for me.

But I say this now, at a time of peace, when I'm content with being myself.
I caution you all that this is not always the case.

On a pre-UROP-ish note, I got my first choice of research projects! YAY! X-ray binary stars, here I come! :) You don't understand how happy this makes me...I can't wait till IAP.

* * * *

HORRIBLY AWFUL scientific puns:

"Geology rocks! Hard-core!"

"Friction can be a real drag."

2002-11-24T14:34:00.000-05:00

At Anne-Marie's suggestion, I have followed suit and plucked out various interesting quotes from past conversations, both spoken and typed...email at wangfire@mit.edu and guess away at the speakers! :) fair game are my roommates and people downstairs in baker, as well as you camp folk and people connected to camp folk. y'know,Anne-Marie, it IS a lot of fun looking through old conversations...

1. What I find really fun is to play in a room with lots of reverb; that way, the sound just ENVELOPES you, you know...a glut of sound, perhaps?
2. i will educate you
you will be my simpsons paduan student
3. how goes life in emilyville?
4. when Q is greater than K, the alligator eats this way ::makes chomping gesture with hand:: and the reaction goes this way!
5. i'm trying to write an interesting essay for [college]
and write it in sonata form
except i have absolutely no idea what that is
6. Why be bad when you can be mediocre?
7. [talking about im windows] well you can kill the other one
although kill is quite violent
8. ...the problem is, I don't have fourteen pairs of socks...seriously, the limiting reagent (sp?) for laundry is socks

2002-11-21T23:00:00.000-05:00

Dude, you wouldn't believe the kind of hits I've been getting on this page...I've got people from Saudi Arabia who got to my page by searching under "mathmatical quiz and puzzle"...LOL! And I've got someone under on.ca (ontario, canada)...a welcome to all haphazard wanderers who wander here! :)

2002-11-21T10:05:00.000-05:00

Crystal? Can you help me with my archives? :) Please??? Emi is unacquainted with these coding things.

I'm in a state of flux. Things shift around me and within me. I'm confused. I'm not sure what I should hold on to. If only I knew how to take things at face value and not analyze so much...I don't think I'll ever be able to do that, though. I think it's just against my intrisic Emi-ness. I'm fated to constantly analyze the world around me in a quest to understand things and people.

2002-11-16T12:46:00.000-05:00

Emi has logged more comments on the intelligence subject below :)

Yesterday afternoon and evening were lovely. Very interesting times. It rather helped my strange mood of the week. I've just been feeling very unstable lately, you know? Very...oddlike and sometimes mucky.

So in the afternoon, after classes, I did my laundry and had my weekly Starbucks run with Baker 246 and Matthew from downstairs. This is one of the best parts of my week; we've been making it a baker246 tradition; we always invite other people, too, though, in addition to our core group. it's so soothing sitting in the lounge of the Hilton, sipping at my mocha frappachino, talking about STUFF with my roomies and fellow wanderers. Then, afterwards, we headed over to Senior Haus because Marissa wanted to visit and I wanted to swing on their tire swing! Whee! so much fun! I would move there just for their tire swing, my friends ;D Well, not really...but it would be an important factor in my decision, no? Heehee...

Anyhow, after I enjoyed the tire swing, I went upstairs to visit third floor (Toby, Matt, Ellen, Peter and company) and just listened to music and talked for a while. The atmosphere at senior haus on a Friday afternoon is quite mellow...it was a most soothing and most welcome thing.

After that I cut across Killian Court so that I could get home in time to meet people for dinner at Fanueil Hall. Now, the process of meeting these folk was QUITE an adventure for Emi...you see I got back to Baker around 7:10ish pm. Irene was just about to leave, and she told me that the Emily P and the people on Baker 1st had already left for Kendall pointed me to a note that said they were meeting at 7:15pm at Kendall. Which is less than 5min away from Senior Haus, where I'd just come from, but considerably farther away from Baker...meep! So I grabbed my coat and cellphone and DASHED across Kresge oval and the crosswalk on Mass Ave and then SPRINTED through the Infinite and across East Campus. I caught up with people just as they were crossing the street before MIT Medical. Whew. 'Twas a refreshing dash :) But to think...if only i hadn't got lazy and cut across Killian on my way back from Senior Haus! I could've just met them on their way! MEEP! But it's ok. All's well now.

After dinner and wandering, Emily P and I went back to MIT while the others went off to see that Eminem movie (whose title has slipped my mind at the moment...hmm...something about a road...). I had a great conversation with Emily P as we rode home on the T and walked through the infinite corridor. Wow, we just...talked and talked and I felt so much better after the talk. Just being able to say what was bothering me...just being able to describe my unease...you know, Baker 246 is what keeps me sane. They are my bulwark against the world. I come back and...sigh. Maybe this is what guys are looking for when they join a frat (oops, sorry, I mean a FRATERNITY ;) gotta be politically correct, now...)--this home base of people to lean on. These people to come home to when you're feeling down...and there's going to be someone ready to put a new perspective on it all, to give you a better outlook and attitude. I guess Baker 246 is like a sort of microcosm of support in itself. I think a quad is a perfect arrangement, as long as one is a fairly heavy sleeper (as we all are, luckily) and there's a good relationship between all of the quadmates (MAN are we lucky...the horror stories I've heard...the things I've seen myself...).

But yeah, after we got home, Emily went off to see a LSC movie, but I was in more of an unsettled wandering mood. Not good for watching movies. So I visited MacGregor for a bit (and ran into Paul, a MITSO member, on my way out; ahh...I love the coincidences in my life...). Then I came back to Baker, realized I hadn't hung up my laundry yet, and proceeded to take care of that. Then I wandered downstairs in search of Matthew and was recruited by Janet to determine what sort of career Robert (her friend from Carnegie-Mellon, who was infinitely amused at the way I pronounced the name of his school...meh. :P) should pursue. Then we started going through mini-M&M's like crazy and discussing all sorts of things about people and life ("people and life" being a general term for everything under the sun and philosophy and whatnot). Then Shauna, Meng, and other people dropped by later, and we eventually decided to go and play frisbee next to the Kresge dome. I donated my CTY Lancaster frisbee for the occasion :) Dude, that frisbee has been through EVERYTHING :) It made me think of CTY...in a good way...as we just threw the frisbee around...and were blinded by street lights...and chased the frisbee into the street...and the frisbee went kablooie in the tree...wheee-ness :) Frisbee makes me happy. Nostalgic activity it is. meep.

So it was a good end to a not-so-good week.

2002-11-13T19:38:00.000-05:00

"What kind of socks are they if they don't do your problem set for you? Y'know, you would make SO much money if you sold problem-set-doing socks!" ~Marissa

2002-11-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

I'm glad the intelligence topic evoked so many responses. And I WILL continue commenting until the thread dies out or we run out of things to say (does that EVER happen to us??? ;) ) But right now I just need to write stuff randomly, because that's what a blog is for...

Social matters carry far too much weight in my mind; they contribute to my unrest and state of being in far too drastic ways, you know? From one extreme to another...I wish I'd stop being so unstable. At the moment my state is mucky. Weighing over incidents and regrets...from moments ago and from even further in the past...wishing I knew how to live in the moment...trying hard but really NOT succeeding at all. Gah...I hate wondering. Wondering if little things I missed out on doing will affect things negatively. LITTLE things...because you never know what effect things will have. You can only wonder and play out alternate pasts in your mind until you're fed up and you just want to stop thinking. And sometimes you just want to go back and live it over again to make things "right." And sometimes...you just feel sick of being yourself. And you just wish you'd STOP and get over things and just move on already.

2002-11-12T18:15:00.000-05:00

2002-11-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

cabbage dragon: farewell!
kitkattail: Wow... I've just been called to dinner anyway. LOL!
kitkattail: Bye!
kitkattail: Good timing!
cabbage dragon: good timing!
cabbage dragon: jinx!
kitkattail: JINX!
kitkattail: HEY!
cabbage dragon: ahh!!!
kitkattail: GOOSE!

man, with the right people, aim is so jolly fun :)

'twas another lengthy, lovely conversation, as usual ;)

2002-11-11T14:57:00.000-05:00

hmm...can anyone suggest a reason for why Emi's archives aren't working? it's rather upsetting...I'm losing all my old entries and my old comments :(

2002-11-09T14:25:00.000-05:00

DUDE. why doesn't my background work for me???

2002-11-09T10:57:00.000-05:00

Q. Which president did the most work while in office?

A. Fdr

AHAHAHAHAHA!

This gem was passed on from Emily's friend who's at Berkeley (a physics major, of course); Emily told me that joke right after my 18.02 test, and I couldn't stop laughing...it was such perfect timing, coming after a test on line integrals and whatnot ;)

2002-11-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

Addendum to last night's really late/really early blog:

What if intelligence is based on one's interest in "intelligent" subjects? So if one is curious about certain things, one is bound to explore them and know more about them and appear more intelligent. I knew scientific facts when I was little because I liked reading scientific books from the library and scientific journals that my dad had subscribed to. And, of course, I knew stuff because my parents were scientists; they gave me scientific explanations when I asked questions about the world around me. If I had grown up in a religious household, it would have been different; I would have thought everything was just God's will or something like that.

I think I take it for granted...growing up in a scientific household. And having Asian parents who weren't very good at being Asian parents ;) I mean, it's funny...I never planned anything out, I never was really pushed into doing science or choosing my current location...and yet I ended up fulfilling the very stereotype that thousands of Asians strive to fulfill. I don't know what I think about that. Look at me...I play the violin, I'm into drawing, I'm at MIT, I'm planning on majoring in physics/astronomy, I'm quiet and meepy...I just scream of typical Asian. That's scary. But...I don't feel very Chinese, you know...my chinese sucks. And I'm not demure enough to be a true Asian...just demure enough not to be a fiery American. But...but...I'm confused now. meep. What am I, anyways? I'm a CABBAGE DRAGON! Erm...right.

But back on the intelligence topic.

My math recitation leader was saying, "People think mathematicians are really clever, but we're not; we've just done so many problems that we recognize the patterns." This statement is true enough to further cloudy up the definition of intelligence. My mother says she still can do calculus and algebra because in Taiwan, they turn you into number-cranking machines, drilling problem set after problem set...learning by repetition. So then your intelligence is measured by your ability to remember things. She says one problem with Taiwanese schools (and many other Asian schools, I know) is the lack of creativity in students, simply because such things are not encouraged...they hardly had discussion groups of freewriting and whatnot, nor did they ever do labs or long-term research projects on their own.

I'm lost. Thoughts kind of welled up and got all tangly and now I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.

meep.

2002-11-08T03:11:00.000-05:00

I should go to sleep. But something Sam said has got me thinking. I mean, they're thoughts on an old chorus line, but they still have room for endless development....

Why are there predominantly Asian women in science? At CTY...in my bio class there were only three girls, all of whom were Asian (Lian and Lilly...sighhh...such good times we had, no? I MISS YOU GUYS! Why does every reminder just make it all come back...?) and in my chem class the next summer, there were only six girls, all of whom were, again Asian. This seemed to be a pattern in the hard-core science classes at CTY. Very few girls, and mostly asian, too. What's up with that? Is this just an inaccurate generalization taken from too little sample data? Is there any truth to it? I feel bad because I said it a few moments ago, and another girl who was doing 18.02 in the room suddenly looked up--I realized I should have modified my statement, because it's not as though ALL women in science are Asian...actually, I don't remember my exact words. I'll bet I said something offensive without thinking about it. Lack of sleep is no excuse for that. MAYBE...it's like the violin thing. Like...you look at the second violins and they're all Asian, but you look at the first violins and they're not AS Asian-dominated...someone once said it was something like...if you're Asian you have a better chance of LEARNING how to play the violin, but you have no better chances at excelling. Which makes sense. I suppose that's analogous to the idea that "all Biology majors at MIT are Asian girls who couldn't cut it in Course 6." That's pretty scathing and cruel and sexist (and was stated by a guy, of course). So are Asian female biology majors the second violins of the scientific world? How stupid. How...gahh...makes me mad. What's wrong with Bio? Even though I don't want to major in it, I still find it as complex as anything. Admittedly, it is less math-based, but that doesn't mean it's for second violins who can't play that high or something. And while we're talking about male/female divides, I'd like the throw in the fact that my dad is the bio major and my mom is a chem major, and my mom still remembers calculus while my dad doesn't remember the quadratic formula. Who was the one who helped me with math or science if I never needed help? My MOM. She who could just glance at my textbook to refresh her memory. Other parents would talk to her about Lexington High School and be like, oh yeah, your daughter is taking hard classes, but that's ok, your husband can help her with them. WRONG. I laugh at their wrongness.
And I know for a fact that the generalization about bio majors is NOT true--my three roomies are all considering bio, and two of them aren't Asian, and none of them EVER considered doing course 6. They're doing course 7 because they're genuinely interested in it, and why not? But I suppose there will always be those elitist course 6 people who will mock course 7 people. Curse you elitist folk. First violins. I be a second violin and I find it quite rewarding. There's a price to pay for fighting your way up the ladder of life.

While I'm chewing on all this, I might as well wonder about even more sensitive issues...
Why do people always say people of certain ethnicities are more intelligent than other people? And why is it that when I think about it...looking at the people around me, in my classes...the people who excelled on my high school science and math teams and science fairs...I start to wonder...

What is this? Nature or nurture? Some combination of the two? Is it predisposition? Some people believe this ardently and say it just IS because of the genes. But...why should it be true? I don't want it to be true! It's too deterministic for me...couldn't it be due to other things like upbringing and whatnot? And then there's chaos theory--that intelligence is shaped by chance events in the womb, so it's really random how intelligent you'll be. And there's exposure to educated things from parents and older siblings. And chance interests that might lead to more enlightenment (but then again, would genes determine those chance interests?). And the definition of intelligence--what would you say THAT is? There's the creativity element; the ability to make leaps in logic and come up with ideas, and there's the retention of information element; how much can you cram and remember? You know...to think or to memorize...and then maybe intelligence is just what you've been taught, and everyone can catch up given enough time to learn everything. Or are there really gradients in understanding?

Moreover, Emi would like to announce that the book Genome is seriously cutting into her belief of nurture over nature. Things about one's personality being set at birth...and the evidence and arguments given make too much sense...it scares Emi. Emi doesn't know what to think anymore.

How about the thing between the strength of men and women; people know that, on average, men have more upper body strength than women; it's just built in genetic differences. So...could intelligence function the same way? I'm not talking necessarily about a difference inherent between males and females, but in general.

Y'know, I don't have time to wax philosophical right now. I need to sleep or study.

But this is bothering me. As things are apt to do at 3am in the morning. I'm tired...I need to sleep...but what I really want to do now is to grab someone and make them discuss this with me. But Sam is prolly asleep by now or wanting to sleep...and baker 246 is immersed in 5.111 at the moment.

Emi, just stop thinking already; you overanalyze enough as it is. Save your analysis for after your 18.02 test; you'll still have plenty to speculate about, and you'll have time to speculate.

But man, I really just need to talk to someone right now.

2002-11-07T16:41:00.000-05:00

Shostakovich is so beautiful and haunting that it can make you want to cry, if you're in the right mood. Those Russians really knew how to write heart-wrenching music...

The most wonderful thing about classical music is its timeless quality--Beethoven and Tchaikovsky and Shostakovich have been around and will be around longer than most pop artists will--so much depth and potential for interpretation lies within their music. One's state of mind determines how one will respond, what one will hear in the music. But is it true that interest in the arts is declining? That classical music is becoming a lost art? Is it economic trouble that is causing this to happen? I hear people saying these things, but it's hard to believe when I'm surrounded by music...when I'm connected to so many people through music...when I hear about concerts every week--far too many to go to them all...
So I wonder.
And hope that it isn't true.

Hey, did you know that MIT holds an "Integration Bee" during IAP??? Jolly fun! :D Marissa wants to enter, and we're thinking of forming a Baker 246 college bowl team.

Say, would it be oxymoronish to call my dorm "Baker Haus"? Wow, that looks mighty odd. I think it would cause a Senior Haus-er to laugh aloud hysterically if they saw it. It's just so jarringly contrary.

Don't mock me for my randomness ;) Randomness and irrelevancy is the spice of life!

2002-11-05T23:42:00.000-05:00

"Ow ow! My calculator BIT me!" ~Marissa

2002-11-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

"When they say 'calculate the pH at the equivalence point,' do I actually have to show how to calculate it or can I just say, 'it's seven, you idiot'?" ~Marissa

2002-11-05T22:36:00.000-05:00

Who could be in a bad mood after a night of MITSO? :) Thank heavens for music. Shosti 5 is so GLORIOUSLY POWERFUL...wow, what a rush. And I'm REALLY getting a chance to hone my sight-reading skills, as I have yet to practice my parts ::cringe:: I feel bad because the conductor is so deticated to us...BUT I did practice for my lesson, which was yesterday, so I feel slightly better about my practice situation.
And after helping someone at MITSO with 18.02, I think I know how to do one of the part B problems...and it's not 2AM the night before my pset is due! Whee! Maybe I'll sleep tomorrow! ;)
Oops, better not say that...I'll prolly jinx myself :P

2002-11-04T20:29:00.000-05:00

Wow, that was an awesomely awesome phone conversation!!! SO MUCH FUN!!!! Anne-Marie, we need to do that again :)
I'm so amused after hearing all your online mannerisms spoken out loud :D whee-ness! Now I'll be able to read your comments/blog entries and hear your voice saying them!

The telephone is a lovely thing.

Oh, I think i figured out how you get the thing to cancel out your own viewings on site metre--you need to log in to your account with your user name and whatnot, then go to the tab labeled "manager" and it's one of the options at the side...

2002-11-04T19:15:00.000-05:00

YAY! All of 246 is present and accounted for! Emi is happy! :)

2002-11-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

When I was younger and I was feeling glum, I used to wait until everyone was out of the house and I was home alone (and supposed to be doing my homework...) and I'd go to the echo-y part of my house...you know, the place around a banister where the stairs are...and I would just sing it all out...freeform spontaneous singing...whatever was on my mind...and when I was done and I was too tired to sing any more, I would feel a lot better. Order from chaos. The music was an outlet.

"You are a little pot full of songs...when you cry, the pot breaks and all the songs spill out, ugly. Control is keeping the songs in the pot and letting them out one at a time." ~Songmaster, Orson Scott Card

2002-11-04T01:00:00.000-05:00

"Someone's been using my computer! Ah HAH--Roitstein!" ~Emi

Roitstein's in Baker 246 laughing uncontrollably at random things. Emi is getting worried about him. Irene said "seven-thirty" and it set him off...whoops, there he goes again! silly person :)

I went stargazing today with Emily P. ...'twas lovely. I was worried because it was cloudy when we entered the T station, but it gradually cleared as the night went on--we were able to pick out the Pleiades by the time we got to BU and Josh got the telescope all set up. Lovely. And I am one homemade brownie and one bottle of Japanese soda richer (Josh got it from a Japanese mall around New York...since he's into anime and kendo). Really, this is one NIFTY soda bottle...and I think that Japanese soda even tastes cuter than American soda ;) seriously...Japanese stuff is always cuter than American stuff. Cell phones...awww...

Oops, I just set Roitstein off again. Never discuss mouse traps with him when he's in a goofy mood.

Anne-Marie, you're awesomely awesome. Thanks so much for your comments and your concern.

NOW Roitstein is bonking people with balloons and STILL laughing uncontrollably. So very amusing he is! I think he had too much of our cake. (We didn't spike it! I swear! ;) maybe it was that marshmallow layer...)

Oh! We played catchphrase tonight when we baked the cake for Burton-Conner Matt's belated birthday. That's such a FUN game! We should play taboo...that game's awesome, too.

G'nite, all.

2002-11-03T16:54:00.000-05:00

night descends lazily on a Sunday afternoon. a bit of melancholy descends, as well. bittersweet melancholy. i'll be okay. i have to be okay. :P

2002-11-03T14:15:00.000-05:00

The readjustment of reality has occurred. I feel relief and silliness. Eh...all that is left now is to normalize.
ahehehe...normalize...that sounds like 3.091 and the determination of crystal structures...AHHHH! Question of the moment: why does the board on Craig and Jonathan's door have this little schematic of x-rays deflecting off a crystal lattice and staying in phase? WHY would one doodle THAT on a white board/message board??? ;) I'm drowning in solid-state chem...whee!
I've decided that 3.091 is pretty cool...it connects all these physical properties with chemical explanations. Really quite intriguing. There's altogether too much plug-and-chug, though. Mindless manipulation of manifold equations.

2002-11-03T03:56:00.000-05:00

DUUUUDE...who ARE these people? :) man, anne-marie, these statistics are far too amusing!
rcn.net...y_chung...rcn.com (different from the .net...). dave, mayhaps? right! you have a cable modem...

I am caught between two worlds. I belong in both and therefore in neither. Both taunt me for my half-existence in the other. I can't stand it. I'm happy when I can just be and when they accept me as I am; I feel tired and jaded when they mock my eclectic nature. What is the solution?
Oh, right. There isn't any. Funny.

2002-11-02T21:10:00.000-05:00

cabbage dragon: we're all human, i suppose
dafatone13: yep
dafatone13: except im a robot
dafatone13: with muskrats in my head

the pep talk was good, even if it was truncated and the phone was usurped. thanks for putting up with the ventage. you'll have to be patient with me for a while, i think. give me time to gather my wits about me and readjust my notion of reality.

2002-11-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

i ache within. i feel silly. i grieve for the death of hope and the onset of reality. why is it that I can't read some people? i am fated to forever misinterpret what they mean. why is it that i don't know how to show others how I feel? i'm such an awkward child, sometimes. i lose my chance because i hesitate too much.
now what?

2002-11-01T01:35:00.000-05:00

whee! i just put up my site metre and already the count is at 50% mit.edu and 50% sympatico.ca! thanks, anne-marie! i feel loved :)

2002-10-31T02:02:00.000-05:00

what am i going to do next year without baker 246??? it's so soothing a place when you're stressed, so goofy and fun...the people so laidback...there's such a big contrast with some others, who are scrambling and spazzing out and showing their dark sides...here...everyone is just chilled :) they are in the same situation as the panickers; they just have a good attitude about it. I wish i could live around people like that all the time...i tend to absorb the nervousness of those around me.

2002-10-30T20:30:00.000-05:00

"This is going in the box..." ~Matthew
"Donations for our mouse!" ~Emi

Baker 246 was visited by a mouse today, officially dubbed "Stupid." We spent a half hour trying to trap it in a cardboard box, but it didn't seem too interested in Teddy Grahams...
Far too exciting stuff, peoples :)
It's really cute :D small and brown and fuzzy...

2002-10-29T10:02:00.000-05:00

wireless ethernet is SO MUCH FUN!!!! heehee!
I'm gonna be so impatient with the 56K dialup when I visit home... ;)

2002-10-29T09:35:00.000-05:00

"Let's, like, evaporate the hell outta here." ~Bill's impression of the elements Californium and Berkelium :D

2002-10-28T19:55:00.000-05:00

'Twas a lovely weekend.
MIT feels like camp...like CTY, that is...and it seems perfectly normal to see Leyan and Dave here...it's as though I could see anyone here and not be fazed...because who knows what could happen in this sort of reality? Whose paths might I cross?
Emily Chao visited, too, and we all had a merry time dancing around puddles (except for Leyan, who insisted on jumping straight into a nice big one and got himself soaked...I like being in the rain, but I don't like getting THAT soaked...)
Leyan and I were also able to get some tree-climbing done, and we had some long wandering conversations early into Sunday morning (he and I opted not to go to the Senior Haus party, but Dave did go).

I miss you guys. Let's make a habit of this visiting-Emi-on-the-weekend, okay? :)
I was better this time. I skipped the coming home alone on the subway and feeling lousy routine and went straight to dim sum with Josh, Toby, and Peter, so I was able to delay the crummy missing-people-feeling. Conversation with those three is FAR too amusing :) and Peter was so funny when the xiao long bao cart finally came over...he was SOO happy--you don't understand...Chao City (is that what it's called?) has very excellent dim sum.
After we got back to MIT, I went to Senior Haus again and had a jolly good time swinging on their tire swing and lying in their hammock. 'Twas like being a kid again! Well...except...I never swung in tire swings as a kid. Nor did I ever relax in a hammock, gazing at the lightly rustling fall leaves above, letting my mind go pleasantly blank as the clouds chased each other across the sky.
But...if I ever was a kid again, I would do all that and more. Heck, I'll just make up for it now, eh? :) It was a very peaceful afternoon. Then I got back to Baker and was fine until I foolishly went downstairs to do homework. And worked in the area where Leyan and I had been playing violin and spontaneously drifting in and out of sleep VERY early on Sunday morning...but I didn't want to move, either, for the same reason. And I kept on thinking, oh, Dave is just a little bit away...he's just with Toby somewhere, and I'll see him soon...heh.
Just one day...and I feel like it isn't right for you two to be so far away.

I'm playing Pachelbel's Canon on my laptop now...it's a nifty guitar arrangement. Soothing. Serene.

I think I have an audio memory...random snatches of the past get caught in webs of notes, and when I hear the music again, the memories come with it...

;) sigh.

The evening did get better--I went on a study break and made paper cranes with Sam, then we chatted while we did assorted 18.02 and physics stuff. Sam, your company and your conversation is always much appreciated :) and I can too survive on my erratic sleeping schedule :P I've still got some sprightliness left in me...

2002-10-24T23:59:00.000-04:00

MITSO days are lovely. a comforting routine of music and conversation.

Every Tuesday and Thursday evening, I walk to Kresge and just BARELY make it on time (one of the things I'd miss about Baker--it's closeness to everything--sorry, Anne-Marie, I know you're still waiting for me to explain the whole Baker thing...your email is coming, I promise! It grows in length as we speak! ;) ) I unpack my case at the left of the stage and talk to Paul. I go onstage and banter with Sandy, my standpartner, about superhero powers and bows and funny conductor mannerisms and whatnot--when I'm not getting caught up in the power of the music, that is :) We break, and I chat some more with Sandy and/or Amy, Paul, and the people in my 21M.011 class...we chat about everything from musical terms and composers to CS, physics, stress, our futures...you name it. Music connects us...gives us all a common starting ground...it links me with so many people here. How I love musical worlds :)
Then, afterwards, I always walk back to Baker with Paul, since we both live on dorm row. I always feel like we have just enough time to start an interesting conversation on the way home, but never enough time to finish it. That's my biggest complaint here, I suppose...not enough time to talk to people. Good conversations only come about by chance things like MITSO and these random, limited pockets of time. All too often, the only social interactions I have with people are based around doing psets--if you talk about anything unrelated, people spaz out because they have to finish working. Emily and I agreed that this is a most sad situation. To make ourselves feel better, we put up a sign on our door advertising our search for true conversation. And, happily, we somehow ended up having a good conversation that lasted a good long while after I came back from MITSO... :) but i'm afraid i kept her from doing her psych paper and her calc pset--apologies! thank you for humoring my need for conversation, my friend! ;)

2002-10-23T03:31:00.000-04:00

I found some cute little blobs that were in need of adoption...

2002-10-23T03:28:00.000-04:00

2002-10-22T23:04:00.000-04:00

Mayhem is FUN! My neighbors are absolutely LOONEY!
I love my room.
Although it isn't terribly conducive to good study habits :P
My roomies and the posse downstairs make it terribly hard for me to leave Baker. Ack! Always second-guessing myself, am I.
At times like these, I wonder if I've made the right decision.
At times like these, it's hard to remember why I wanted to leave.

I have time to decide for sure. But, still.

There's no time to walk down every road.
When will you learn this, Emi?

2002-10-22T22:54:00.000-04:00

Allen: "OWW!"
Matthew: "I didn't do it! The physics did!"
(Allen and Matthew are having a tug-of-war over this little stretchy creature...Matthew lets go and it whacks Allen...equal and opposite forces, peoples!)

"Welcome to CONFUSION! I can show you all the major landmarks." ~Stefanie

2002-10-21T19:49:00.000-04:00

thank goodness my only midterm is a musical one :) i really don't mind studying for it...every time i hear brandenburg no. 5 or mozart's symphony no. 40, i just...smile. brandenburg is just so comforting...
and there's this great bittersweet longing...inner turmoil...something that touches the core of your being...in mozart's symphony.

2002-10-18T01:03:00.000-04:00

Something written at an earlier, calmer hour.

~The First Stage~

A twirl of happiness within.
My insides stir in a merry sort of agitation.
The heart stretches and limbers up
quietly
then leaps with abandon
without warning
across the dancefloor of my soul.
A grand jetée
light pas de chats
nimble bourées from one side to the other
Is anyone watching?
Shyness suddenly overcomes
the need to express
what emotion it is that moves the dancer
to grace the stage with such sweet spontaneity.

2002-10-18T00:55:00.000-04:00

sorry, anne-marie...i will start commenting again in earnest tomorrow...when i've got the spiders and the cobwebs out of my brain.

2002-10-18T00:53:00.000-04:00

I need to finish this essay
but i'm going crazy
I'm listening to Commissioning a Symphony in C
it's NOT one of the assigned pieces
for the essay
that i need to finish
or start
whichever makes more sense
in whatever moment
i happen to be living in
but the essay isn't bad

i'll be ok

but

i can't stand this getting worked up
over the past
it only makes me feel
lousy.
and i can't take it back
what i've said
after the fact
after it's been said
so i should just stop saying things.

but it's worse
if they don't even understand.
or they don't even feel
what you're feeling.
so you just lock yourself inside
and try to
disassociate
disregard
discard

and

dissipate.

2002-10-16T19:45:00.000-04:00

"I hate cars. Every time I get into a car, I feel like I'm in a little metal can going 60 miles an hour, and if I or anyone else does something foolish, the can is going to CAREEN into the wall and I'll DIE."
~Prof Farhi going off on a tangent as he discusses the effect of an increased velocity on stopping distance.
Maybe knowing the physics behind everything makes life a lot more frightening... ;)

It rained all day! 'Twas the perfect backdrop...100% New England goodness. :)

I oscillate. Farther and farther from neutrality I go! Whee!
Denial doesn't make things go away.
I need the strength to admit things to myself.

Anyways.
Today I am merry.
Mostly.
Lunchtime was lovely. A good conversation and good company...how I've been needing that lately. I can only be who I am. The large groups of people thing that Baker is good at providing can certainly occupy me and make me feel reasonably connected to people, but once I examine things closely, I realize that it isn't enough. I realize the quality of my conversations has deteriorated. I realize that Emi is fading. Emi is forgetting who she is.
And so I must seek out the pensive conversations that make life worthwhile. Onward I go, hoping to find my kindred spirits.
For I know they are here.
And it's a wonderful feeling to have my faith restored by the people around me.

2002-10-15T10:39:00.000-04:00

Didn't I JUST tell myself--

PROMISE myself--

that I wouldn't let this happen to me?
It's so complicated.
It leaves one so vulnerable.
I really don't need this right now.
Where is a rational mind when you need one???

Why is it that once I've made my resolution,
I discover
that it is impossible for me to humanly keep it.

And why is it that there is a part of me--
a fragment of my consciousness--
that really couldn't care less.
A part of me
that welcomes such things.
A part of me that is blissfully at peace.

This is the danger of leaving oneself open to emotions.
This is what it means to be human.
I should simply relish the feeling
while it is still fresh
and new
and pure
and hopeful.

Because
I fear
there is a long road ahead.
Disappointment...?
and who knows what else.

I should weigh the possibility
the probability
the pros
and cons
of abandoning this path
before it is too late
Before I have invested
too much.

But
even considering all this
the feeling is still so wonderful
and I feel so young.
I am pleasantly surprised.

It is a joy to be alive.
It is a blessing to be human.
When I don't think about it rationally
that is. :)